Friday, January 1, 2010

I'm slowly and gradually starting to have that nigga mentality

i been seeing it happen for a couple of months now.sure some certain situations or a couple of dudes have gotten to me between the rest to where i have gave a fuck.but i think somehow im starting to give a fuck less. me being a loner and feeling lonely isnt mainly focused on a dude.and usually thats the reason i feel lonely because of no dude being around or a dude doing me wrong that im still not over.that's not my main concern.if i get in a argument with a dude i drop it eventually.usually i will fight till the end of time until they get me and i feel that they do. now im like just please STOP this is stupid ya not getting it, or im not getting it stfu mentality.ive put a wall up to the point where i let a dude wither he be a friend or not know when and if i feel he's bullshitting with no matter what it is.almost as though im letting them know that im not falling for it if its a trap and they think that they got me.

i dont seriously like i dont have a serious crush on at least one person.sure there's people im like he's cute and i flirt and we are friends and i would be interested but, im not settling to crush hard on just some cute dude who seems to have a nice personality like i usually do.cause now im in the mind state where honestly if no dude is showing me signs of liking me AT ALL or barely and not taking consistent initiation? i automatically assume he doesnt like me or im not his type and i dont bother to make myself think well WHAT IF he does and eventually like him like i normally would.basically i feel that everyone is bullshitting me in on way or another to sum it up. and i cant take them seriously cause i dont want to like someone who doesnt like me back or as much as i do with them.thats been my main problem recently,or probably ever! liking someone who clearly doesnt like me enough as he should.

i dont have time for it.and i think thats another reason why me being a loner and alone is depressing me all over again.not doing anything productive or knowing when things will get better is the main shit, true friends to go out and at least have fun and vent to during this time, and no dude who seems the least bit interested in more then just a non sexual/physical attraction who id also be interested in as well.NO ONE.i know im good enough.but sometimes i dont feel as good enough for these dudes that im attracted to.i strongly feel like they're not paying attention and or find me intriguing enough to do so and want to try me out.OR if they do but are laying low with it, they need to come out of hiding.with no hope with dudes in the least i say fuck em for now.

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