Friday, February 17, 2012

should i stay or should i go?

Its a constant battle everyday wondering what to love for you is so strong.i would do anything. you're patient.and not malicious. you're have a way of making me feel special without doing too much. but i still dont know where this will go. there are times where you aren't here and cant be..and wont be.there are things that i cant understand right now and wont.i just want you around all the time.but now is not the time for that.its like the right person but the wrong you know how frustrating that is? as impatient as i am im sure this is a test from God.i dont want anything to be put on hold. and i feel like it will. im afraid of things messing up for good. and me having to just walk away to save myself from getting deeper than i already am. i don't think you know how many times ive cried about this. its one of those things where its like , no one can understand but the two people inside the situation.i already know i can only say but so much. im scared..ive got to be honest. im scared to not really ever have you. shit ,i dont even know if im supposed to with how good of a person you are. maybe you deserve better. not knocking myself. i know i could be a good partner. but just being honest. maybe you are just put in my life to help me better myself and for you to know how much a person can care for you and that be it.but how can that be possible and there never be a we? i just don't get that not a apart of the growing process? see sometimes im not sure how you feel. because you're so adamant on not fully expressing how you feel because nothing can happen right now. and then you tell me you don't think its going to work out.and it makes me angry. it makes me feel resentful. it makes me confused. because i know you love me. and i know you care. and its not like you're walking away. its not like you're giving up. so i don't know what to do.

I don't know whats supposed to become of all of this. i fantasize about us growing together. i fantasize about you being my first. i fantasize about you meeting my family and how proud they would be of me.and how confident i would be to have you. us being husband and wife. i fantasize about you being the father of my children. and i mean seriously.not on no teenage girl lusting type of thing. it feels so right. i cant even explain... im falling for you. i don't care about " you're still young! there will be plenty of other people! date around!" i don't want there to be other people. if it so be that we will never be.i just want you to know that i thank you. i thank you for being patient with me. i thank you for seeing potential in me. i thank you for helping me to learn.i thank you for not giving up. i thank you for genuinely wanting me to be a better me. i thank you for being there. i thank you for the laughs.i thank you for allowing me to see sides of you that others didn't know about. i thank just thank you for you being you.thank you for loving me.despite the times i couldn't or cant see it and may try to be in denial about it.i know deep down that it is there. thank you for loving me.

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